The Magic of (Friend) Love

Illustration by yumi sakugawa
Philia (pron.: /ˈfɪljə/ or /ˈfɪliə/) is one of the four ancient Greek words for love

So as Valentines day is coming up, we thought that we would celebrate Friend-Love! Especially since Dorothy is the friend-love of my life, my better half some would say. Aww, that's so sweet!

So we've all had those moments when you meet someone new, and within a few times of meeting you start to look forward to seeing the again, to sharing and laughing with them. To learning all their shameful secrets and having private jokes. Yet it isn't in a romantic sense. These people are those who you don't really have a romantic attachment to, yet you could in a sense say that you 'love' them. And their doesn't need to be that 'moment' for you to say it as there in romantic relationships, it's a kind of trusting and understanding love. Just knowing that this person won't judge you when you have eight pizza boxes under your bed or that you listen to Celine Dion on repeat and act out scenes from The Titanic with your cat. Perhaps this is where the 'Bros before Hoes' thing comes in, you can perhaps find another person that you fancy, but it's harder to find someone that you enjoy the company of purely. 



Classic Bromance.

I would say at the 'first level' of friendship is the  in the moment friendships', the people that you tend to bump into all the time at the pub and go on wees together. Love a good team wee. However, these friends may also part—in this case if they no longer enjoy the shared activity, or can no longer participate in it together. Such as when you both get a control over your respective bladders/ gain the confidence to wee solo (a harrowing task for any young lady).

The next level Friendships 'of the good' are ones where both friends enjoy each other's characters. As long as both friends keep similar characters, the relationship will endure since the motive behind it is care for the friend. This is the highest level of philia, and in modern English might be called true friendship. Unlike in romantic relationships the passion ending often causes the end of relationships, yet to end a friendships the actual character of a person must be altered. Perhaps this is why the only reason I've every stopped being friend with a person is if 'they have changed'. I do find that sometimes you grow together as friends though, changing together actually has the opposite effect and makes your friendships stronger because you can endure and evolve. Some friends I don't have to be in contact with constantly to know that nothing has changed between us as friends, I regard this as an enduring friendship. 

Lewis describes Friendship as, "the least biological, organic, instinctive, gregarious and necessary of our Loves" - our species does not need Friendship in order to reproduce. He uses this point to explain that Friendship is exceedingly profound because it is freely chosen. In other words you should be honoured to be my friend (or anyone else's for that matter)!

Lewis explains that true friendships,  is almost a lost art. He expresses a strong distaste for the way that modern society ignores friendship. But perhaps this has changed, arguably 'The Hangover' is all about friendship, and less about the romantic love that causes the hilarity, and so is 'Bridesmaids', although both films centre around a wedding the story is a 'Bromance'. Lewis goes on to say, "to the Ancients, Friendship seemed the happiest and most fully human of all loves; the crown of life and the school of virtue. The modern world, in comparison, ignores it". Can I just say that I would definitely go all Thelma and Louise for a good friend in a way I never would for someone I fancied, romantic love is the fodder of drama but friendship is the makings of comedy. 

Perhaps this is why the whole 'Friend-zone' thing exists. People seem to think sometimes that friendships is nothing worthy, when in fact it really really is. Friendship is the bread to life's butter, without friendship life is kind of a purposeless slippery substance, no one to share all those excellent moments with; the treacle sponge to life's custard, something that gives substance to what could be potentially an excellent desert. What I am trying to say with my confusing use of metaphor is that the friend-zone is actually a rather excellent zone, friendships endure and are the makings of something almost entirely selfless.

Dorothy and Daphne

A View by Daphne: Leading him on..?

So recently I was accused of being a Tease. Not an 'intentional tease', of course, but the reference was about  my behavior towards my male friends. Now, if I was saying things like 'yes I'm longing to love to sleep with you, come round to my house at eight o'clock and I will show you the time of your life' then slamming doors in their faces and laughing from the comfort of my sofa while eating popcorn, I would be inclined to agree. However, it is nothing like that at all. It is just the way me and my friends like to chat, we flirt, it's a bit cheeky, and well it is just fun. Nothing wrong with that, right? Well other women seem to think that I am: 1.Hoarding male friends and 2. Hurting their poor feelings by not sleeping with every single one of the poor randy guys. After all, friendship is a two way street and if they flirt away making innuendos and silly but naughty comments am I supposed to sit their like a puritan for fear of igniting a burning passion that cannot be doused?

ALSO, no one accuses them of 'leading me on' as a matter of fact boys appear to be getting out of this situation very well. I don't rise to the flirting they think I am boring (and to be fair I wouldn't be me if I didn't flirt back, I've been told that I even flirt with cats) and if I do it is me that takes all the heat for giving the wrong impression or sending mixed signals. As a group of girls, we often talk of how 'he just wants to be friends', why is so hard for others to accept that even though there is 'friendliness' on the female side, you can too, also, want to be 'just friends'. Friendship isn't something without worth, just because it isn't physical doesn't mean that the relationship is any less valuable too. It is no more than just 'banter' (hate to quote Geordie Shore but has to be done.) 'Flanter' is and can be dangerous territory I suppose. But there is no reason to say that it has to stop all together.

The main point here, I guess, is no one is getting hurt, the friendship is still strong and it isn't anyone else's business how you and your friends behave. So on that point, my female friends should really focus on my friendship with them, if they want me to flirt with them a little more,all they have to do is ask.

Daphne